old drama

Drama

OK, ok... so my life isn't all that dramatic. I just really like that word. I've had a pretty good life thus far. And I’m very appreciative to my family for having raised and loved me the way that they have... but I'm 22 for goodness sakes, I don't really need a mother anymore.

Last night we got into somewhat of an argument that was actually started by my little brother. He was just being the spoiled little brat that he always is. He's 16, the youngest of 6 kids, to parents that are 68 and 56. AS IF they want to take care of a little jerk kid! They do care about him though. As they do and have all of us. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to live in a family with maybe only 2 or 3 kids. I envy them sometimes. Being the fourth child of 6 kind of makes you feel lost. Not lost as in not being able to find your way home or anything too dramatic like that, but more so just lost in the shuffle.

Don't get me wrong though, I have been a VERY blessed child. I've been to Disneyland A LOT, as well as all the other cool amusement parks that dot Southern California (which might explain my want to need to go back there so bad). And I wasn't ever beaten, abused, or treated unfairly. I just like complaining, and since this is my website, I get to do it, and you have to deal with it. That is, IF you feel like it. If not, just click here, because I don’t' want complainers complaining about my complaining. Whoa, could I cay complain one more time? Sorry about that, if you couldn't tell, I have hideous English, and I don't care anymore. See, I’m a college graduate. I don't feel the need or desire to put on a proper face for the sake of it being good and proper. Screw that! This is how I am! And you LOVE IT! (I also like to say that a lot. It’s kind of a statement I got from Nicole, my roommate from BYU-Hawaii, the second happiest place on earth, second only to Disneyland, I think they copyrighted that statement of being # 1. Oh well.)

I also like to put ellipses (the three little dots...) everywhere, if this bugs you, TOO bad, Click here if it does. Cause I like them (almost as much as exclamation points. Now, one of my bestest friends, Cailin (English major) would and has argued with me that more than one exclamation point does something... (I forget what her exact words are) but it proves banality or something. I should ask her again. But I LIKE THEM!!! So they get to stay too!

Where was I again on this little rant? Who knows...? I've been reading a friend's website that is all about his opinions and thoughts, and he doesn't care, so why should I? You should visit it, but if you do, don't be offended. And if you are, send him hate mail he loves it! You'll just get shot down, cause you can't really justify your feelings. And if you try, you're being judgmental. That's what I love about him. He's so passionate. He says what he feels, I can't quite do that, yet... but hopefully this page will help me release my feelings. I'm using this page as therapy. I've been holding so many things back, that it's damaging my soul. I don't want that anymore. It's just not healthy.

Dang, now I don't know where to start! How about at the beginning? Ok. This is something I’ve personally been denying, basically ALL my life. It may even be the root of ALL my issues. I was born in Provo Utah, on November 3, 1978. My birth certificate says I was born at 16:55. I've always loved that. It's cool, it's military time. Anyway, so I was born 5 min. before 5, apparently I pulled my dad out of some big fancy-smanchy meeting, and he's never forgiven me for it. But he claims it was worth it. OK, whatever...

I don't know why I have soooo many issues with Provo, UT. It's got a lot of cool things here. I think it's just the people that I despise so much. They're not exactly my kind of people. (ooooh, that line reminded me of Far and Away, an EXCELLENT movie!!! Go rent it today if you haven't seen it. Or you could wait till you meet me, then we'll watch it together, I’ll quote it all, and you get sick of me and leave. Yeah!) Anyway... oh, yes... the people in utah are weird. They are cold and unloving. Wait, wait, wait... Let me back up here for a second. I can't just come out and accuse people of sucking. I have to preface it by an opposition of people that I’ve seen elsewhere. As well as let you know a little bit of my personal history that makes me feel this way.

I was born in Provo, UT, and I lived there till I was 5. August 24, 1984. The happiest day of my life, but I didn't know it at the time. My dad had gotten an offer to teach at BYU-Hawaii, on a one-year exchange. This lasted for 13 years. So, I was basically raised in Hawaii, in the quaint little town of Laie. I highly suggest a visit there, to anyone who wants to see paradise. (You should visit the Polynesian Cultural Center it's so cool.) Anyway, I grew up there and went to first grade through college in Hawaii. Some would say I was Edjumicated there. (It’s kind of an inside joke, ask me if you really want to know. It’s lame though).

The Drama Begins...
Hrmmmm... Elementary School. I went to Laie Elementary School. I didn't have very many friends, but that's because I am so shy. In Second grade, I remember this one girl, Emily. We used to sing in the bathroom. I only remember us singing one song though; it was "You Light up My Life." Hey, give me a break it was 1986! She moved to Tonga later that year, and when she came back like 9 or so years later, she was a completely different person, and so was I. We were not as close as we had been. It's the story of my life. Or so it seems. I've never had any close friends. None that I could tell ANYTHING to, well, without being judged anyway. I think that's why I come here. The Internet. No one cares. And if they do, they just won't talk to you. The Internet, I think, is kind of an awesome equalizer. You can't judge a person on their looks, unless they want you to, then they send it to you. You can't judge a person on their possessions, unless they boast of a HOT computer, or cable modem or something. But who really cares. If they are arrogant, screw 'em.

High School, for me, was kind of the same as Elementary. I tried to fit in, to the "in" crowd, whatever... I was an idiot for trying. There were these two girls that I wanted to hang out with more than anything. I don't quite feel up to naming names at the moment, but if I do, this is where it would be. And all through out my 6 years at Kahuku High and Intermediate School, I longed to be a part of them. One of them was in my church group, my same age, in my same class. We got along there quite well, but things didn't quite transfer over in school. We talked sure, we had some of the same classes together sure... but we didn't or couldn't share anything other than that. But to this day, I don't really wish that we had. Sure I would have liked to have been accepted, but sometimes that's just not an option.

As we grew up, matured, and were entering our Junior or Senior years, there must have been some kind of change that went on. To this day, I do not know what made one of them say this to me, but this "friend" of mine has the nerve to tell me that they thought of me as being just like this one girl that I felt bad for, she was shunned kind of, she was just a little different. She was shyer than I was. When she told me this, my heart just sank. It was about 5 or more years ago, but that one comment has stayed with me. I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but it did, and it does. I didn't view myself as being like this girl, no one would.

There was another clique of friends that I started hanging out with more and more in my Senior Year. Cailin, Alma, Leah, Steven, Dana, Matt, and a few others, but I never really got too close to them. Writing this down makes me miss them. I should call Cailin. I'm such a bad friend. I've been in Utah since June and have gotten maybe one email from her, because she never checks it, and I’m too cheap to buy a calling card. =\ woe is me I guess. I should call her on Sunday... Make my parents pay for it... heh heh heh.

I don't think I’m too emotionally scared from High School. I DO know that I wouldn't want to do it again. Heavens NO! It was bad enough the first time. I, for some odd/strange reason, I ran for different student offices in High School, I look back at it now and feel like an idiot for doing so, but I thought I could make a difference. Oh well. I wasn't popular, I was a band geek, and I didn't even know who I was. I still have issues with the "knowing who I am part" but hopefully this will help.

For some reason, I feel like writing about this today. Maybe I’ll even be gutsy enough to scan in some old, OLD pics of me and chuck them on here. Maybe not.

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Grown up Drama =\
Am I a grown up? hmmmm... I'm 22, it should make me a grown up. How long have I been this way? How did I get to be so old? Dang kids! Enjoy it while you're young, cause you definitely can't when you're older.

Yes, and now my drama continues. I graduated from High School in May of 1996. I was 17 then, that doesn't make me a grown up does it? Anyway, I had applied earlier that year to one college, and one college ONLY. Brigham Young University-Hawaii Campus. My pride and joy! I miss that place soooo much. Not necessarily the torturous classes I had to endure, (stats, English, programming), but the people, my friends, and my colleagues. I love them so much. I have learned so much from them and my experiences there, I could write a book if motivated enough. I miss them ALL so much. Roommates, my ex, my family... Paula, Ben, Robbie, and Stephen are there still.

The first year of college was cool, it was the last year my parents were still there. I lived in my same room I had in High School, with black and white tile (we played checkers on it once. so cool.) and everything else decorated black and white. I loved that room, I miss it sooo much. But rent was free, and I didn't even have to get a job. But winter semester, my life changed. Not too much, but enough. I took a job at the Seasider Snackbar, the School cafe'. I worked at the Ice Cream Fountain, that job has not proven to be such a good job for me from a healthy perspective. Mostly cause it didn't turn me off of ice cream, and I LOVE it way too much now. But anyway, that's a different story.

Winter 97. I took an introduction to Biology. Bio 100. I didn't enjoy the class itself, but I went because there was a boy that caught my attention there. I'm hideous with sciences anyway, Kahuku wasn't known for its science program. Not at all. It was the Music that we were known for. Anyway, I’m getting off the subject. It wasn't even in the beginning, or middle of the semester that I noticed him, I think he was noticing me though. The whole reason we even got together was because of instigation on HIS part. I know now that he's very outgoing, and a mini player... but I still love him to death. We had our 9AM class in the same building, so we would walk to the GCB (General classroom Building, great name, don't ya think? Come on people, could we get some creativity here?) after our class MWF... I think I just really enjoyed the attention that he gave me. He was nice, cute, respecting, and I really think he liked me! I was 18 by then, and I didn't find out till SOO much (months or years) later that he was 5 years and one day older than me. But I don't care. He liked me, and that's all that mattered.

I am so shy, and un-knowledged in the boys category. It is SOOO not funny. I didn't even kiss him till July! I'm such a shy loser! (don't try to correct me on this one. I was back then). Anyway, we kinda broke up, if you could even call us as going out, soon after that, we just stopped writing and calling. I loved it when he called me though. He went on a Mission for our church the next winter. I hugged him so tight the day before he left. I loved him. I still do. So we wrote back and forth, people asked me if I had a missionary, or a boyfriend all the time. I didn't ever call him that. He wasn't my anything, except for my friend. I was fine with that. My mother though, I think she always hated him. Because he was Samoan/Chinese. People thought he was Filipino ALL the time. His boys still tease him about it.

Throughout that summer, my parents retired from teaching, and moved back to Utah, and I finally gained my freedom. I moved to a house called the Greenhouse. I've got a picture of it someplace... I was testing out my digital camera one day and needed a subject. I really have to update these pages. I should write more about the roommates that I had while I was there. Keep tuned to the roommates page folks, looks like that's going to be next.

So, in a nutshell, I stayed in Hawaii for 3 more years than my family had, and I just recently moved back to icky Utah in June when I graduated. (BIG MISTAKE) If I had to do it over again, I would have just move straight to California, like I’ve always wanted to. I think I'll be moving there in the Beginning of 2001. That's my date I’m aiming for. Don't let me screw it up k?

Pfew... I think that's all the drama I have the stomach for right now. If you want more, visit my friend's page that I mentioned near the top of this page. He's really cool. Don't let him scare you. He's a sweetheart.

a hui hou!
~shelz

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Drama Update

Well, Yay for me... I've been living in San Diego since the December 27, 2000 :) yay for me :) I moved out here with my sister, and I found a cool job that i LOVE in an area that is so beautiful. Parts of it even remind me of Hawaii, how perfect is this? I even have a cool job!

The way I came across this job is kind of weird. I was running out of money for bills and other stuff like that, so I decided to sign up for a few temp agencies to see if I could get some kind of higher-paying job that wouldn't totally suck like Data-Entry, Reception Work, or Filing. So, when my temp agency (which i hate... send them hate mail if you want) called and said "we have a job with a biotech company here in Carlsbad for 11 dollars an hour doing Software Inventory, and the job will last about a week" I jumped on it. First off, it was in their IT department (which for some reason they call "Informatics"). I have since learned that there is no such word as Informatics. They are just cool enough that they made it up! go figure.

Anyway, I started Wednesday the 21st of February, and I am loving every minute of it. In fact... I smile and sing to the radio all the way home from work because its such the perfect job for me. Basically it's just supporting all of the company's computer needs. Everything from setting up new computers, setting up conference rooms, to troubleshooting their everyday problems with computers. For some reason i LOVE it. I thoroughly enjoy helping people try to figure out their computer problems.

I'll stop talking now, otherwise I'll go on for days and days how I love working here, and how i love the people i work with... Wups, there i go again... forgive me? K, good, thanx. :-D

(760)597-2857
840 Lantana Way #116
Vista, CA 92083

keep in touch k? come and visit!
Love you guys! bie till the next update!
~shelz

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Fall 2001

Yay! More Updates! As you know, I'm currently living in California! Yay! And I so love it here! Ever since I've gotten out of Utah, things have just been on the up and up and up for me. The first two weeks were a little sketchy because I found a room of some lady's house that we could rent without a contract for 400 bux a month, and we could do it week by week. But this lady was a kook! Completly NUTS! She's got like 3 annoying smelly cats and 2 psychotic dogs. Wait, it gets worse, she TALKS to them! They're not humans! eep! Needless to say, we were only there for like two weeks MAX... Each day we spent in that hole made us want to move out more and more! We went apartment shopping and hunting all over the place. We did most of it up in North County San Diego, towns like Escondito, San Marcos, and finally Vista. There were some SWEET places to live in a good part of Vista that were soooooo pimpin! But we couldn't get to live there cause we didn't have jobs and stuff :(... see most people would have gotten a job someplace and THEN they would have moved to fit the job. But Nope... not me! I just felt, that deep down i HAD to be in California. For some purpose that i know not, I'm here, and everything has been going my way!!! YAY!!!

First off, I've got an awesome job at Isis Pharmaceuticals, Inc. I do Technical Support as a Systems Support Representative. I'm the self-designated Laptop Queen there. I've been using Laptops since the dawning of time (or so it seems for me) almost 7 years! And thusly I consider myself a pro at it. So, We've been ordering these Sony Vaio slim computers by the TON and I've been the one setting them up for all of the big wigs here. The Sony's come with a whole TON of useless software that just takes up space. So I figured I'd just take the hard drive, format it, and install a fresh copy of Windows 2000 and go from there with the setup of it. I thought that the setup of it was fine, I had a few people look over it, and they were able to say "It looks great, go ahead and deploy them with this setup on it". So i do it, and then some of the users start to complain... There are a few buttons that lost their functionality when the hard drive was formatted, and they wanted their buttons back. GRRRRRRRRR! And of course, they got their way, cause they're the endusers and they always get what they want expeciall if it "helps them work easier". BLAH! That makes me mad. So anyway, we've been working on another image setup for these computers, and it turns out there are problems with that too, so it's back to the drawing boards again with these things. :'( I hate it. It's driving me batty!

And to top that all off, my personal life is a disaster! I was dumped September 10th, which is the day before terrorists blew up the World Trade Center towers. I thought I was fine with it, but i'm still having repercussions from it. I knew i wasn't over it, but I was ok for a whole 6 weeks, I saw him a TON, he emailed almost daily, and if he didn't see me or hear from me, he'd be sure he called me just to say "hi"... This isn't quite what I had wanted from the whole relationship. When he ended it, it was a complete shock to me, I wasn't expecting a thing... He wasn't quite right though, and he was being really mean to everyone around him, and I told him not to be mean to me, cause I wouldn't be able to take it coming from him. Of course though, he was, cause there was (possibly still is) something going on in his head that I couldn't see, or that I didn't know, because he didn't tell me. That's the main thing that bothered me the whole time we were together. I wanted to understand every little part of him, and each time I asked something, he said that he didn't want to get into it, and that it was something that he had gotten over, and didn't want to have to think about it anymore. I'd like to think that I was more than open and willing to share all of my thoughts and emotions with him, and each time i shared something, i expected him to as well, but he never did. I guess I feel cheated in that department, because his gf right before me helped him through all those issues, and he didn't want to bring them up anymore, so he didn't tell me hardly anything about himself. I don't know if this is accomplishing anything, who knows. It's good for me to write about though, at least I think it is. Writing has always been my escape from things. I lost my journal sometime around April, I think it's under my monitor in some rubbermaid storage containers, but i'm too weak to lift 'em and see. Anyway, I don't know if I want to even see or talk to him again, or anytime soon, I know it's gunna have to be done, he's got things he wanted me to know, and it's not fair for me to just let him fester like this. He wanted to talk to me yesterday about it, but the more i thought about talking to him, the more freaked out i became, who knows why... But i was in the bathroom stall crying for a little while, and i think it made me feel better. I still don't knwo if i'm strong enough to face him, but I'll somehow get the guts to do it eventually. Hopefully soon. There's a ton more to this little story, and this little part probablly doesn't make sense, but really... ask me if i care... ;-) I'll write more later maybe... who knows...
October 22, 2001

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Yay more Drama!
As posted on Ben's Message Board November 20, 2001.

my parents...

I can rant and not be judged here right? good, great :-D

I was just thinking about how my parents are and what they would think if they saw half the stuff i am into and involved in. And I was just thinking... that for one, if they saw this message board, they would disagree with everything about it, without even looking at the content. Without even meeting all the wonderful awesome people here. Their minds would be too closed to it, too closed to see that the majority of what goes on here is trying to do just the opposite.

I think that's a huge reason why me and my parents don't get along. My sister is kind of kind of the same way, but i live with her and so we get along, and she doesn't drive me completely batty... ANYWAY, my parents have told me what to do my entire life, and I've written a few interesting rants about it, which i didn't know I had in me till i read ben's website last year (which grrrrrrr doesn't exist anymore!!!) here's some links to them if you're interested... they're not as good as ben's but they were where i started:

The Mom Issues Page and
The Drama Page (this one, make sure you read the whole thing)

This could definitely be an addition to that list, but I just really really can't stand how close-minded my parents are, and there's really no use in changing them... my dad is 69, and my mom's 57, scary thing is, i have a little brother still living at "home" with them, he's 17... There are a ton of things that i fully appreciate from the way they've raised me, and i've had tons of wonderful things happen in my life that is a product of their influence on me. But the one thing that i've always hated, was that they tried so hard to rebel against, was them telling me what to do when, and how. I absolutely hate it! It's gone so far as them telling me that i'm too fat and i'll never get married... which is a HUGE crock of crap, i've had handfuls of proposals from total strangers (well not total) on the net (some of them even not so scary either...)... And the weight is mostly in my blasted chest anyway...

Anyway, here's my rant summed up into one line: It's not fair how people have so much control over other people's lives. It's freaky! And i'm also slowly slowly becoming my own person, as well as LOVING that person i'm becoming. And hopefully one day, i'll meet someone who sees me the same way and even more. ok, i'm done... thank you all!
~ani